My wedding rings
Every night since the day I got married, I took my wedding rings off at night and put them on in the morning. When Zach died, putting my rings on in the morning was difficult, and I felt like I was wearing them for other people. It was a reminder that I was no longer married. Two days after Zach's Celebration of Life (about a month after he died), I took my rings off. Those rings were a sign of a commitment we fulfilled, and wearing them felt like a lie. My journey is one of thousands. My grandfather was married for over 60 years and still wears his wedding band. It's been over two years since my grandmother passed away. Each widow or widower's journey is going to be different. There is no right or wrong way to find your way as long as it doesn't harm others.
I was talking to Silas about it one night, and I said I thought your dad would be my forever, and he said, "But Mom, you were Dad's forever." Thinking about that conversation we had to have still brings tears to my eyes. I wish I never had to have these conversations with my son at 10 years old, but I do.
On March 30th, 2023, I wrote this journal entry on my phone:
"I have held your hand since the moment we found out. Driving home from work, it hit me. I have and will hold your hand through your darkest moments. But who will hold mine during my darkest moments? Who will hold mine? Who will hold mine when you are gone?"
I never shared that with Zach, but I am sharing it with you because I remember how much despair I felt when I wrote that; even two years later, I remember that pain like it was yesterday. I read about a widower who remarried, and he talked about how much love and joy he has found again, but specific experiences remind him of what he lost, and that sadness comes flooding back. Unfortunately, I am not alone in this journey of being a widow, but reading about other's journeys helps to shed light on what the future might look like for me.
I hope to see many of you at Zach's Memorial/Celebration of Life at New Park Brewing on Wednesday evening.
Amber